Single But Not Alone

In the spring of this year I became single – again. 

At the time I would have said that I didn’t even see it coming but the truth is, I had been ignoring the signs and working really hard to not see it. There is a long complicated list of reasons why the relationship failed but in reality it isn’t all that complicated at all, we wanted different things for our futures. At the time I was pretty sure I was going to die, I mean shouldn’t being in that kind of pain kill you? One minute you are happily (or at least pretending to be happy) and blindly skipping down the path that is your life and then all of a sudden that path has a dead end and you are forced to rethink everything. I wasn’t sure how I was going to move forward, I couldn’t wrap my head around my life without that person in it. I didn’t sleep much for a few weeks, I had forgotten how to sleep alone, I moved my bed in an attempt to give the room a fresh look. Now I was all out of whack and slept even less. It was all very dramatic and I felt a bit like a 16 year old girl with her first broken heart – I wanted to stay in bed all day and cry. I felt very alone. 

Well it turns out I didn’t die.

My kids gave me plenty of reasons to get out of bed and put on my big girl panties. They still needed rides to the barn and to school, there were dinners to make and movies to see. Life didn’t stop, in fact it was quite the opposite, my life was barreling ahead. My parents were there for me as they always are, like a warm security blanket. They are still the first place I turn when I get hurt and they are always waiting with open arms. My brother and sister would check on me via text messages and phone calls, offering kind words and reminding me that I am loved and never judging me. 

And then there were my friends........ 

I have the MOST incredible group of friends in my life, some I talk to on a daily basis and some only every once in awhile but all of them have become a part of who I am. Some have been part of my life for 20+ years and others more recent but just as important. I have friends I could call to help me hide a body if I needed to, no questions asked. They would simply say “I am on my way”. All of them inspire me to be a better person. 

There are still times when being single sucks. “What’s for dinner?” has become a question I dread – I would love for someone else to be responsible for answering that one. When we run out of cat food or toilet paper I am the one who has to get off the couch to go to the store. When the cat pukes on the floor – I have to clean it up.

 

I am at peace with being single for now. I cherish my alone time when the kids are out of the house and it’s just me and the cats (some might call them the “crazy cat lady” starter kit). There is always someone to talk to, or see a movie with, walk with and even a few friends who will drop everything to come right over for a hug and if I’m feeling extra needy there are a really special few who will pack up their two little dogs and come spend the night.

I may be single but I am anything but alone. To each and every one of you who have touched my life and made it better – thank you.

"Helpful" Advice

This is a blog I wrote a few years back for our Vancouver Island Doulas Blog.  I have a few new clients now and some friends with new babes and I figured I would share it again.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Pregnancy, Childbirth, Motherhood and Well Meaning Unsolicited Advice

Pregnancy, Childbirth, Motherhood and Well Meaning Unsolicited Advice


I don’t know what it is about a pregnant woman or a new mother that makes them a target for unsolicited advice from anyone and everyone – from close friends and family to complete strangers, people with children and people without. Some advice is handy information and some just makes you shake your head. As a parent of 2 kids, a 12 year old girl and an 8 year old boy I have learned to do a lot of nodding and smiling over the years. “Oh right...yes of course...what a great idea, I never thought of that...” all the while thinking to myself – you have got to be kidding!!! There is no topic off limits – circumcision, breastfeeding, midwife vs. doctor, homebirth vs. hospital birth. No matter what your choices or plans are, someone will be ready to tell you that your choices are wrong, your plans are crazy and that they know what is best for you.

 

The key part of all of that is YOU – YOUR CHOICES – YOUR PLANS.

 

At the end of the day it’s your body, your baby, your birth experience, your choices and YOUR LIFE. So do what is going to work best for you, and tune everyone else who disagrees with out. You have to do what works for you. Bottle fed babies turn out just fine, my daughter is 12, she is incredibly bright, beautiful , healthy and holds no hard feelings towards me for not being able to breastfeed her – never once has she turned to me and said “Mom you really let me down, I will never forgive for all the formula you made me gag back when I was a baby” and my son has never once thanked me for enduring the engorged breasts and the cracked nipples in order to successfully nurse him for 10 months. Your baby isn’t going to hold it against you if you needed to have an epidural to get you through your delivery. These choices are yours and yours alone to make. So listen to who you want and what you want, take in what you think might work for you and ignore what you know won’t.

 

You will make mistakes, you will make the wrong choice from time to time AND you will do things perfectly and flawlessly from time to time. Just my thoughts – you don’t have to agree with – that is your choice

Lots of love to all of you, Seanna

They Say It Takes a Village......

Some might say my family is complicated.

I have 2 kids I gave birth to while I was married, and when they were younger my husband and I separated.  5 years ago I met a man and fell head over heels in love, so did my kids.  He brought 2 amazing kids to the mix and we became a family of 6. (Hey I made a little rhyme there!) I fell in love them, totally, completely and unconditionally, just as I love my own children.  Fast forward to this spring, my relationship ended for a variety of reasons, the bottom line being we wanted very different things and we parted ways.  Initially my concern was, what would happen to my relationship with these children I had fallen in love with? What would happen to my children who loved him and who see his kids as their brother and sister?  I am a worrier, I worry about things that are beyond my control and this was WAY beyond my control.  Could I still be in their lives without being in his, could I handle him being a part of my kid’s lives without being a part of mine?  There were many sleepless nights and the grief I felt was overwhelming.

My ex-husband is dating a lovely woman who also has a daughter, and my kids love them both.  This woman treats my kids with kindness, love and respect at all times and they adore her, she has gone above and beyond, taking them to the lake on weekends their dad is out of town and has included them in her family gatherings.  When Ashley needed some help with some “delicate” shopping, she was right there to take her and even spent money from her own pocket to make sure my daughter had what she needed.  I cannot even begin to tell you what a comfort it is to know that even when they are away from me they still have a soft place to fall if they need it.

In June, my lovely step-daughter (I struggle to come up for a better term) graduated from high school and I was not only included in the festivities but was lucky enough to be a part of her getting ready for prom, hair and make-up, the dress, and then given one of the few tickets given to the family for the ceremony at UVIC.  I went with her dad and her brother and proudly sat alongside her mom, step dad, aunts and grandparents.  After the ceremony and pictures, we all headed back to their home for a party. 

Now here it gets even more complicated – Emily’s lives with her brother, her mom, her step dad and his daughter (also a Belmont grad), and as the two girls were opening their grad gifts I looked around the room at the guests – the graduates, Emily and Rustin; Emily’s mom, and brother; Rustin’s dad; Rustin’s mom and her partner; grandparents, aunts, cousins and close family friends; myself and my children. All in one room together because we all love these girls and wanted to share in their success. There was no tension, no drama or hard feelings.  The room was full of love and joy.  Not for one second did I feel like an outsider, in fact quite the opposite, I felt like part of the family, and my kids felt like part of the family.  At the end of the night as we said our goodbyes it was very clear to me why Erik and Emily are as amazing as they are, they have been raised by amazing people.

My parents and brother and sister have always welcomed Erik and Emily into our family and have treated them as their own.  They have grown to love them just as much as I do – it’s impossible not to.

So instead of hostility, resentment, anger and jealousy we have surrounded all of these kids in love and support.  Turns out I did a whole lot of worrying for nothing.

I still grieve the loss of my relationship and probably will for awhile but I will never regret it – it brought me Emily and Erik, and I will forever be grateful.

Coming out of hiding

Coming out of hiding 

So I have been in a terrible funk lately and when I say lately I mean for the last several months, maybe even years.  I have been blaming a series of unfortunate events, the end of my relationship (twice), struggles my son has had at school, challenges at work for me, the loss of 3 family members, the loss of my dog, 2 car accidents that have resulted in some injuries and a fair amount of pain, I have gained weight and have fallen completely out of shape, financial struggles and so on and so on.  Most are things beyond my control, some are things that are completely a result of my own bad decisions.  I have become increasingly unhappy and spend more and more time feeling sorry for myself.   More and more I find myself hiding out at home, only going out to work or to get the kids to the places they need to be, fulfilling my obligations but not really living.  My friends are starting to notice and ask what’s going on, and I find myself running out of excuses as to why I can’t do this or that.  Home is no longer my sanctuary but instead has become a place that just feels like work, there is laundry, cleaning, cooking, the yard or someone that always needs me to do something. I very recently stood up my own brother on his birthday because I could not bear to show up at a BBQ he was hosting, in my head it would be a party of his close friends and family and I would be the pathetic older sister, single (again) with 2 kids, overweight and alone, renting her home and all in all a failure.  Not at all what anyone would say or even think but all I could hear in my head.

Very recently in a conversation with someone I greatly admire, I used the term “when he left me”, she stopped me and very kindly said, “The relationship ended, saying he left you implies that you are the victim and you are NOT a victim”.

It was a light bulb moment.  It has been playing in my head over and over.  I have been behaving like a victim.  All these things that have happened to me over the past year or so aren’t out of the ordinary, they are just LIFE.  I am not special or unique in my challenges – everyone has challenges – it’s a part of life and it does not define who we are. 

How we deal with these challenges defines who we are.

Somehow I have become someone I barely recognize and I have spent the last couple of weeks trying to figure out what happened and how I got here. But really, how I got here doesn’t matter, I can’t the past. I can, however move forward from here. When I was asked when was the last time I was truly happy with who I am as a person, it took me back to about 5-6 years ago and interestingly enough, there seem to be tons of pictures of me from back then (there are next to none of me now).  I looked back the pictures and it reminded me that I really liked that person, I was happy with who I was.   I know you can’t go back but I do want to move forward and hope to again find that confidence within myself.  I have put pictures up as a reminder of what it felt like.

My sister has been having her own heartbreakingly rough road and yet still manages to check in with me and make me laugh, there is a family in my community grieving the loss of a son and another family who has a child fighting for her life and I realize how truly fortunate I am, I have my 2 beautiful, healthy children, and I have 2 more amazing children that found their way into my life and my heart. I have the most incredible group of friends, who support and inspire me on a daily basis, some have been there for me for years and are my rocks and others are new friends who feel like old friends and I am so thankful for each and every one of them. I have a family that is always in my corner to catch me when I fall and help me back up again.

Enough hiding, enough feeling sorry for myself, it’s time to pick myself up, dust myself off and get on with it.