Summer is coming, the weather has been amazing, summer plans, music festivals and weekend bbq’s are starting to fill up the calendar and it got me thinking that it might be nice to have a significant other to enjoy all of these things with. Well-meaning friends ask if I am seeing anyone or if I have considered online dating and I actually consider it often but my past experiences with it usually keep me from actually signing up.
I have spent the last 12 months actively not pursuing any romantic relationships (or even casual relationships). I wanted to get to a place where I was comfortable with my own company and not feeling like I needed to be in a relationship to be a whole person. It’s been a pretty good year and thanks to some pretty amazing friends, I don’t get lonely very often. Each person in my life brings something unique and I guess I kind of pull everything I need from each of these people. Of course there are a couple of really exceptional friendships that truly allow me to be myself and give me that soft place to land when I am feeling fragile and alone.
Last week I started feeling pretty good about things and myself and thought maybe dating for the summer would be fun, meet some new people, expand my network of friends and even get some new experiences. I decided to sign up for some online dating and just give it a go and although very skeptical (and I mean VERY skeptical), I figured how bad could it be? I will give it 30 days and if nothing else, I will have some material for a blog.
Well here we are 1 week later and I am tapping out. No chance I can do 30 days and never ask yourself “how bad can it be?”. Cause folks…. It’s bad. Now full disclosure, I had only signed up for free sites, Tinder and Plenty of Fish (POF for those of you who are really cool). Perhaps the statement “You get what you pay for” is true.
I got to swiping left and right and I tried to be pretty open minded to the swiping right (left is a hard no, right is a yes I want to know more). It’s a bit like catalog shopping for men, which is super weird but whatever, it is the process and I am going with it. After some swiping right, some matches start to appear. Now do I wait for them to message me, do I reach out and say hello, what is the protocol for this? So I reach out to some, and others message me.
Bachelor #1
The first guy that messages me is 40 something, not unattractive but not Chris Hemsworth either. It starts out pleasant, small talk back and forth for a little bit, then I let him know I am running out and will chat more later and move on with my day. Then I get this delightful exchange:
Immediate red flags.
- Invade his castle? Really? We have just started talking and you want me to come to your house? Um no. Does he not watch scary movies?
- Wow. Ok then. – Love getting texts like that, huge turn on. Can only imagine how much fun this guy will be 3 months into a relationship.
- Crying emojis… no words needed for this one.
- Do I have other dates? Hmmm we have been in communications for about 30 seconds, not sure you get to ask that just yet. We are going to file that under “None of your business”
Sorry bud, I don’t think this is going to work out. Unmatch and moving on.
Bachelor #2
Kinda cute, fun job, easy messaging back and forth, he has a sense of humor. This looks promising!! He asks for my phone number for we can text outside of the app and I agree. We exchange a couple of small talk texts and then say goodnight. I put the phone down smiling, hopeful there is a coffee date in my future. Such a silly girl….
5:18 am, I am woken up to a good morning text from him, and reply, “wow, you get up early”. His reply is “ do you sleep naked?” Um…..I don’t acknowledge it, at all. I completely pretend to not have even read it hoping he gets the hint. No such luck. He proceeds to ask a few other super inappropriate comments and questions and I pull the plug on this one too.
Maybe it’s just Tinder ( the hook up app). So I keep the Tinder profile up and I move onto POF, set up a profile and start fishing.
Folks, it is a really shallow pond. Really more of a muddy puddle. I have a few observations about guys profiles:
- Pictures of guys holding fish. What is this about? Is it because the site is called Plenty of Fish and someone took that literally? It is a lot of guys and a lot of fish. Like every other guy. Also a lot of pics of guys and their cats. I am really more of a dog person, that might just be a personal preference.
- Shirtless bathroom pictures. If you must do this to advertise your great biceps and abs then perhaps make sure your bathroom is somewhat clean and doesn’t look like a bio-hazard.
- Naked pictures of yourself, where you use your hip sack or dog to cover your junk are never a good idea. EVER.
I start to get messages almost immediately, woohoo!! My ego is feeling well stroked at this point and I dive into the messages. Silly girl.
First off, we have the guy who starts with “what can I call this beautiful queen?” Well bud, you can start by never referring to me as a queen again.
Then we have the guy with no picture, somewhat mysterious, sure I will bite. We chat, conversation is good, he is funny, he is articulate. There is fun banter and he gets sarcasm. I am already planning the wedding. I ask why the no picture? Is he horribly disfigured like Deadpool? I am totally into Deadpool, so I assure him that it is ok if that is the case. But alas, he is not disfigured, he is in hiding because he is married. Is that a problem for me?
It is a problem for me that you are married? Well yes, it is but I suspect it will be an even bigger problem for your wife.
Now, back to Tinder, I have a new match!! Super cute guy, a little young, early 30’s but what the hell right, you only live once! His pictures are him having fun with friends, a pic of his super cute black lab (no cats!), a gym picture of him working out in Converse (should have been a red flag, clearly not appropriate gym footwear) and then there is a picture of him with his coffee and a side of perfect abs. JACKPOT.
Conversation starts out, I make fun of the poor gym shoe choices and compliment the dog. He laughs, it is going great, he thinks I am funny. Then he says “if you keep being cheeky you are going to get spanked” hmmmm and here we go again.
Warning: this is where it gets really dark and the fun stops. His next question is a stunner.
“Do you like to be pinned down and forced to F***?”
Now I am pretty open minded and I am not a prude so I will give this piece of shit the benefit of the doubt for a minute. I ask a clarifying question.
“Are you asking if I am into rough sex?” To each their own right? Maybe a little soon in the relationship for these kinds of questions but maybe he just has really poor manners. I also point out the poor manners.
He says “No, I mean like you are having a drink with a friend and he pushes you down and forces you to have sex and then after you realize might have liked it”
WHAT THE ACTUAL F***?!?! “Nope, I am not into that as that is rape and I tend to prefer consensual sex”. Now before I can even hit the button to report this delightful interaction he unmatches us and the messages disappear. I do have screenshots of his profile pictures and I do report it to Tinder as a safety concern. Perhaps I am overreacting and he is all talk but all I can think is that because this guy looks like the adorable guy next door some naïve woman is going to wind up on a date with this bottom feeding piece of shit and find herself in the middle of a rape scenario she did not sign up for.
I don’t have 30 days of this in me, a week was enough. This is not the platform for me. I deleted my profile from both sites last night.
Back to hoping to meet someone the old fashioned way, through a friend, at the grocery store or wherever it is that people randomly meet other people. Or maybe I won’t meet anyone and I will just end up with a bunch of dogs and some really awesome friends.
Stay safe, be kind.
xo
