Enough.

 "I wish you could see yourself through my eyes."

It is something I say often to the people I love, and it is so true. If only we could all take a step back and see ourselves the way the people who love us do.

Being truly seen through the eyes of someone who loves you is a gift. It is rare and it should not be taken for granted or dismissed. Don’t shrug it off or laugh it away. Don’t look away to avoid the eye contact and the vulnerability. Sit with it. Open yourself up to it. I promise you will learn to settle into it. And if you let it, it just might change everything.

When someone tells you that you are enough. Believe them. 

You won’t be for everyone; you likely won’t be for a lot of people and that’s ok. I guarantee, most people aren’t for you either. But be open to finding your people. The ones who will build you up, who will see who you truly are, flaws and all. Find the ones who will celebrate your wins with you and who will hold space with you when you lose. These connections don’t have to be romantic. The type of connection isn’t what matters. These connections, this kind of love, they are the only thing that matters.

Find the ones who listen as much as they talk. The ones where silence isn’t awkward. The ones where an exchanged look speaks to an understanding without a single word.

Although some people may not be in your life forever – the connection will. It will hurt at times, sometimes so much that you will lose sight of all the beauty. There will be a panicked feeling to grab onto it tighter, to stop it from slipping through your fingers. Take a breath. Let go. Keep all the joy that it brought you and let it carry you through. You are ok.

To all the beautiful humans who are my people, I am better because you love me. I am forever grateful.

xo

Seanna

Open to Letter to the man who referred to me as a "Big Girl"

Open to Letter to the man who referred to myself and my friends as “Big Girls” and “Tonnage” ,

I know you didn’t mean anything by it. 

I know you think it was harmless as no one but myself and your friends heard you say it. 

I know you thought I was a “safe” person to be shitty around. How wrong you were.

I know you think the guys you said it to thought it was funny. 

I know you weren’t being intentionally being cruel. 

I know your own insecurities and inadequacies rule most of your decisions. 

Here is what else I know:

Those words hurt. Those words do damage. Long term damage. They confirm what the voices in my head tell me every day. 

24 hours later after hearing you say those things I felt shame. I felt judged. I felt that I mattered less than someone who wasn’t a “big girl”. 

Those words became the loudest thoughts in my head for the better part of a week. I know that I am more than the size of my jeans. I know I have more to offer. I know I have value. But people like you and comments like that make me feel like I don’t matter. Like I am invisible yet literally the elephant in the room all at the same time. I know that I am not supposed to give comments like yours power over me, and I know that your words don’t define me but I am not a perfect person, not by a long shot. 

 I will ask you this - What if, god forbid, your daughter grows up to be a “Big Girl”? Will you refer to her in the same manner? Would you ever want her to feel the deep cut of those words? 

Do better. Be better. Be the person your daughter thinks you are. 

Treat the people around the way you hope people will treat your sweet little girl when she grows up and is out in the world without your protective wing around her.

Sincerely, 

A Big Girl

This is not a plea for a sympathy or a "poor me" moment. For days I let this asshole and his remarks affect me. For days I went to the dark place. Now stepping back, I realize small minded comments like this say so much more about him than they do about me.  My hope in sharing this is that just maybe it will stop someone else from saying something similar. Perhaps we need to go back to the basics of what we learned in preschool - "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".  

I may be a "big girl" but I will happily take that title over "small minded ass-hat" all day long.

xo

Seanna

Groundhog Day, Covid Fatigue and My Future as a Sandwich Artist.

It’s been a few months since I last babbled on about how things are going, so here is the latest as we move into my second year working in construction and living in the Cariboo.

The year flew by despite all the challenges presented by Covid-19. The big, scary winter that everyone warned me about never really seemed to happen. There were a few days off “WTF” cold weather, temperatures of -32 degrees with deceptively bright, blue skies. There was frost on the inside hinges of my doors and ice inside my windows, we kept the taps dripping to stop the pipes from freezing and my little gas fireplace was working hard! My little house stayed warm and cozy inside and thanks to Covid I was lucky enough to be working from home during the cold snap.  There has been snow, but nothing crazy. A handful of stressful drives to work in the morning and only one or two that took a few years off my life.  Spring is almost here, I think. Well I am sure it is here during the day and then overnight winter tries to make a comeback and we wake up to a dusting of fresh snow. It is a little like Groundhog Day.

I still love my little house and I am really looking forward to the spring and summer when the yard truly shines. The biggest thing I am looking forward to is being able to enjoy it all with someone other than my cats. Yes, I fully acknowledge that I have 100% become a crazy cat lady. Can you blame me? Can’t really go out and make new friends, my Victoria peeps aren’t able to travel to see me so if it weren’t for the cats, I would just be at home drinking alone.

Things are starting to wind down on the project at work. The construction phase is almost complete, and we have moved into the commissioning phase (I say that like I have known what that means my whole life. A year ago, I was all “what is commissioning??”). People are starting to leave site and move onto to other jobs and I am way sadder about it than I expected. I have met some really rad people here. Stereotypes have been solidified and at the same time, stereotypes have been shattered. These are the people I have spent 95% of my time with for the last 14 months and soon they will all have gone back to their lives. I actually get weepy if I think about it (surprise surprise).

“My Guys”, the ones who work with me in the CMT trailer are the very best of the best. They are brilliant, funny, kind, compassionate and have taken care of me from day one. They have forgotten more about this industry than I will ever know. Whatever I need, all I have to do is ask and one or all will make it happen. I love these guys. I will miss them so much that I can’t even really let myself think about it. I also suspect they will all be blocking my phone number once they leave site.

The Women of CS-5. There have only been a few but they have been amazing. I found a forever friend in one of our Covid Cleaners, she was my soft place to fall when my emotions got the best of me, someone who gets it, and someone to laugh with. She left site a couple weeks ago and it is possible there were some tears. The Coating Inspector – with her infectious laugh, always positive and zero fucks given attitude made me smile every single day.

The Station Operators. Whatever you need, happy to help, however they can help, anytime. I adore them. I have inserted myself into their home lives by befriending one of their wives. They are stuck with me. Poor bastards.

The Contractor Crews – now there is an interesting group of people. Rough around the edges, some rougher than others. Some scary smart, and some terrifyingly not so smart. Some with excellent personal hygiene and others – not so much. For the most part they all look the same out there in their coveralls and hardhats and god help me if I see them in real clothes, I don’t recognize them at all but there have been a few stand outs that will forever have a very special place in my heart (Stretch and Buttons I am talking to you). Being the site mom has its perks.

I have a few more months left on this job and am looking forward to seeing it come to completion. I have no idea what comes next, hopefully a couple of months off, a few weeks laying by a pool in Costa Rica with a cocktail and a book and then moving onto the next project – wherever that may be. Or maybe I will be a sandwich artist. It’s really anyone’s guess at this point.

Now for the darker updates.

I miss my people. Especially my kids. So so so much. Covid has really thrown a wrench into my plans to go home as often as possible. I was supposed to be home every couple of weeks, Instead of I have only made it back to the island a handful of times. Yes, I adore my cats, but they really don’t provide great conversation. And the orange one is an asshole.

Covid is bullshit. I am deep into the throws of Covid fatigue. I miss my people and miss going home. I hate that they can’t just pick up and come visit, and I can’t share my new home, show it off, show them how much I love this place and all the reasons why. I am sick to death of wearing a mask all day. I am sick to death of hand sanitizer eating all the skin off my hands and I am terrified of all the undiagnosed cancer that may be lurking out there because we have all stopped going to the doctor for fear of being exposed to Covid. I am ready for this to be behind us. My anxiety monsters are getting harder and harder to keep at bay. They get louder and louder in the evenings, telling me this is never going to end, I am never going to get to see my people and then they start questioning all the decisions that I made that got me here and then the guilt sets in for leaving my people. My anxiety monsters are real dicks.

Oh and F*** Covid.

Love you to the moon and back.

xoxo

Seanna