Learning to Roll With It

Change.

It’s a word that scares the shit out of me. I can freely admit that I do not do well with change..... at all. I am starting to reluctantly admit that I might be a bit of a control freak. I try and describe myself as laid back and easy going, but it turns out only when things are going according to plan.

Take my job for example, I had been in it for a year and was really starting to feel confident in my role. (I love my job and the people I work with, I think they truly are some of the best people in the Public Service.) I came into work one day and my boss lets me know she has taken a new role and is moving on. In my head I am saying “Um what? You can’t leave!!! I just figured out how everything works here!!!!”, what I actually said was something along the lines of “Congratulations, I am thrilled for you” and then I started crying......in her office.....SUPER professional. I was out of whack for a solid month while they figured out who was going to replace her, what my role was going to be etc.

I have noticed that I have allowed that one change to totally throw everything else out of whack in my life, my sleep is affected, my healthy eating has virtually gone out the window, my house chores were starting to get away from me and in general I have been a little on the bitchy side (my apologies to my people).

So here we are a month later and low and behold the new boss is fantastic, turns out I still know how to do my job and I wasted the last month being a big baby.

Why do I let this kind of stuff have such a negative effect on my life?

The people closest to me often tease me about being a control freak, I am surrounded by people who like to wing it – drives me batty!!!! I need to know where we are going, who is going to be there and what time. And for the record, when someone in the family needs something done or organized guess who they come to??

I rarely drink, not because I have anything against it but because I hate the feeling of being drunk and out of control. What if someone needs something or I need to get somewhere?? I was almost always the DD on our big nights out to the bar in my early 20’s. It was a lot like herding cats when it was time to round everyone up and head home but I knew I would eventually get home. I spend more time than I care to admit worrying about other people and things that are beyond my control. Many, many......many sleepless nights and for what? I once watched a co-worker struggle to open a packet of tea at a conference, and before I knew what I was doing I actually reached over, grabbed it and opened it for him and handed it back!!! WHO DOES THAT??

Admitting you have a problem is the first step right?

Hello my name is Seanna and I am a control freak.



Lots of love to you all, xoxo

Diagnosis – SINGLE, Prognosis – Long Healthy Happy Life

I am single. It is not a disease, it is not life threatening and it does not define who I am as a person. Why do people feel the need to give you the “face” when they find out you are single? Or say things like, “Don’t worry, you will find someone really great”. I wasn’t worried about it......should I be? Is something really awful going to happen to me if I don’t?

The truth is – for me, for right now – I am more than ok with being single. I am starting to really enjoy the freedom, (I say that part very loosely as I have 2 kids, 2 exchange students, enough animals to make Dr. Doolittle cringe and a house that has far too many rooms in that need to be cleaned) and the independence that comes with being single. I don’t have to consult with anyone else before I make a decision around what’s for dinner or what to watch on TV, the kids would like to think they have a vote but I outrank them. If I want to leave a mountain of laundry piled up in the hallway, I can!

My weekends without kids are all about me and they are fabulous. I feel really bad for all of the mothers out there who don’t get every other weekend off, I don’t know how you do it. Don’t get me wrong, I love my children and I love spending time with them and I miss them when they are gone (most of the time) but I am starting to really love me again and I really enjoy my alone time. It isn’t all sunshine and roses, but nothing ever is; I have to kill the giant spiders, clean up the cat puke and I am solely responsible for changing the toilet paper roll. No one else sees the massive hairballs in the corners of the living room and most if not all of the “blue” jobs fall to me for action.

I can lie in bed all day and watch a marathon of the West Wing completely guilt free, no one gives me the “shouldn’t you get up and do something productive” look. I can eat cereal for dinner when I don’t feel like cooking – in my bed!! Hmmm, I am starting to sound a little like a crazy cat lady.... I get to go out with friends, and I have some truly amazing friends, there is almost always something going on and somewhere to go if I am feeling social or even lonely.

I have started swimming a couple times a week, I am ready to start riding again – I have wanted a horse my entire life and now we have one and I have yet to so much as sit on him, there is a set of stairs on the way to the barn that promise to give me a great ass if I come climb them on a regular basis, and a candle lit yoga class on Friday nights that takes all the stress of the week away.

I may even be ready to date again, but just date. And dating can be a lot of fun if you don’t take it too seriously and you aren’t looking for “the one”. I don’t feel that urge to find someone to complete me or make my life whole. I need to find that on my own and within myself. Looking to someone else to fill that void in your life will always be a temporary fix and it puts an incredibly unfair amount of pressure onto that person.

“Don’t worry, you will find someone really great” - I agree with that statement, but I think that really great person that I needed to find was me. After that everything else will fall into place as it should.

So while I appreciate the well wishes and I know it all comes from a place of love, please don’t worry about me ending up old and alone with 35 cats, I promise my limit is two;-)

Love you all,

Seanna xo

Lessons Learned So Far

Well here we are 3 weeks into the new school year and 11 weeks since I woke up and pulled myself out of my pity party and things are going very well. Not without a few bumps and bruises but all in all, things are good. I have learned a few things over the course of the past few weeks and thought I should write them down before I forget and so I have something to reference in case I stumble back into the dark place again. None of this is rocket science, most of it is things most of you already know but as I have demonstrated in the past, I can be a slow learner at times. Some lessons were big "A HA" moments and some have been more of a subtle observation.

Lesson #1

Controlling your eating and increasing your exercise does in fact result in weight loss and a need for smaller pants.....who knew?? I stepped on the scale at the end of July and had what I like to call a "Holy Fuck are you kidding me?!?!" moment. I made a choice right then to get a grip and make every effort to turn things around, and through healthy food choices and the support of my close friends and family, things are slowly turning around. I am down a size and am feeling great. I have a long way to go but am hell bent on getting there.

Lesson #2

Sitting around feeling sorry for yourself results in your feeling even shittier. Getting up, getting moving and getting on with things results in one feeling much better and much more optimistic about the future. Another shocker.....

Lesson #3

Being unhappy about your current situation, be it your relationship, job or whatever, complaining about it but not actually looking into a solution results in nothing changing in your current situation. Ask for what you want. You would be surprised how many times you get it.

Lesson #4

Happiness is a choice you make. You can choose to focus and dwell on all the things you don't have, all the things that aren't working out the way you want them to and all the things that only increase your unhappiness or you can make the choice to look for the positive and see the good. I can almost promise it is all around you.

Lesson #5

I am in fact the only person in my house who knows who to change the roll of toilet paper. It is what it is, no amount of ranting, or fuming is going to change that fact. Accept it and move on.

Lesson #6

There is absolutely nothing wrong with spending an entire Sunday in bed watching Netflix. So what if I didn't wash the floors or clean the bathroom. Nobody died - except maybe a character or two on Grey's.

Lesson #7

Being a doula is my passion. I LOVE being a part of that experience and watching someone go from being pregnant to a mother in the blink of an eye. It never ceases to amaze me. I need to continue to make time for that passion in my life.

Lesson #8

No one is coming to take all the recycling off my deck - I actually have to remember to get it out to the curb every other Tuesday.

Lesson #9

When you are all dark and gloomy and behave like Eeyore nobody wants to hang around you very much. Turns out when you are happy and smiling you are a lot more fun to be around.

Lesson #10

I cannot operate a curling iron or curling wand. It is outside my skill set. Thankfully my daughter seems to have figured it out and can manage her own hair and does not need to rely on her mother to help her out.

and last and very importantly....

Lesson #11

There is no acceptable, healthy, low fat, low cal, low sugar, replacement for the Pumpkin Spice Latte. Either skip it completely or check your guilt at the door of Starbucks and just go for it and enjoy it in all its spicy, sweet, whip creamy glory. The occasional indulgence isn't going to make or break you.

One Foot In Front Of The Other

It has been almost two months since I wrote my 'confessional' Coming out of Hiding blog. I don’t know what my intention was at the time, I just knew I wanted to get out what I was thinking and feeling and I felt that if I published it to my friends and family then I would be more inclined to follow through. I sort of expected that a few people close to me would read it, my parents, really close friends and maybe a handful of people looking to avoid working or those of you who had some time to kill while you were sitting in the doctor’s office.

Never in my wildest dreams did I anticipate the response I got.

It was overwhelming and inspiring. People I hadn’t heard from in years (like since elementary school and junior high) were leaving comments and sending messages of support, friends and family were cheering me on and calling me brave. But the most surprising response was all the private messages from people, men and women, who felt the same way I did. Some had been where was in the past, and some were there right now. People were thanking me for saying out loud the things that they were afraid to say. People who thought they were alone, like I thought I was alone. It was the most incredible thing and it gave me the most incredible momentum and the push I desperately needed.

Since then the fog has lifted, that’s not to say I don’t have bad days because I do, there is no easy fix but my will to keep moving forward and turn things around is back and has never been stronger. I have found joy in my life again, I am allowing myself to have fun and enjoy all the amazing people and experiences in my life. I am excited to see what life has in store for me and where I will end up. I am working hard on getting myself back into shape, I am spending time doing some “self reflection” in the hopes that I can figure out how I let myself get into such a bad place to begin with and avoid winding up there again.

I have spent the summer focusing on myself and spending true quality time with my children and my family. I have discovered that I love writing, I find it very therapeutic. I have started working as a doula again and I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of the niece of one my oldest and dearest friends. I am very much looking forward to being a part of that experience again. The kids are back to school on Tuesday, each starting a new, exciting (and slightly terrifying) chapter in their lives – Noah is off to middle school, Ashley is off to high school and Emily is off to college! Fall is around the corner and it is my favourite season and it feels like there is so much to look forward to over the next few weeks.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to each and every one of you who took the time to read my ramblings and for all the wonderful words of love and support that came back to me.

Thank you to each of you who were brave enough to share your stories with me, I am honoured.

Lots of love,

Seanna

Where has the time gone?

I am heading into the last year of my 30’s this week........I am not even sure how that happened, I swear it was not that long ago that I was in my early 20’s. I don’t really remember where I thought I would be at this point in my life but I am certain it wasn’t here. These last 20 years of my life have been interesting and educational to say the least.

Major life events have taken place. I have been married and divorced; I gave birth to two incredible children. I have met the most amazing people – some have come and gone and some are here to stay. I have experienced the pain of losing loved ones. I fell in love in a way I didn’t know I was capable of, and in turn I had my heart broken in a way that I was sure would kill me. I started my career with the BC Public Service, and I started my business as a doula. At times it has felt there have been more downs than ups but as I look back now, I see how wrong I was.

There has been so much more joy than pain. I have laughed more than I cried and I have loved and been loved more than I have hurt or have been hurt. I still have no idea where I am going but I know for certain that I want to leave my 30’s, healthy, happy and with no regrets. I want to go into my 40’s excited about what lie ahead. It is time to make some changes, get healthy physically and emotionally. There are definitely some self destructive patterns when I look back over the years and I would really like to not keep repeating those patterns through my 40’s.

It’s time to stop talking about getting this weight off and actually start doing something about it. Turns out wishing really hard that I will wake up and fit into my skinny jeans doesn’t work. It also turns out that talking about, thinking about it and intending to do it doesn’t work either. The only way to actually get the weight off and get back into shape is to control what goes into my mouth and to get off my ass and exercise. Apparently all those people on Facebook who post all their gym workouts and 30km runs and look amazing are onto something – who knew;-)

I also have a thing for emotionally unavailable and broken men – I mean the more unavailable they are, the hotter I seem to find them. I guess like attracts like – if I am broken and unavailable then that’s exactly what I am going to get back. Time to stop trying to fix them and focus on fixing me. This does not mean that these were bad guys, in fact quite the opposite. I have been fortunate to have met some truly amazing men in my life, most of who are still in my life and always will be as close friends, it just means that they weren’t the ones for me.

It’s time to purge my home and get rid of all the crap I have been hoarding for the past 20 years, I am not sure what I am holding onto it for but it must be time to let it go. I look around my house sometimes and it’s like someone took how I feel inside and manifested it into the state of my house! I can talk and talk about making all these changes but enough is enough.

Everything can change in an instant, the only moment we have for sure is this moment. RIGHT NOW. I want to make the most out of these moments and truly enjoy my life and all the blessings in it. I am looking forward to 39 and will embrace 40 with open arms, taking some of the harder lessons learned in my 20’s and 30’s and better choices in my 40’s.

Single But Not Alone

In the spring of this year I became single – again. 

At the time I would have said that I didn’t even see it coming but the truth is, I had been ignoring the signs and working really hard to not see it. There is a long complicated list of reasons why the relationship failed but in reality it isn’t all that complicated at all, we wanted different things for our futures. At the time I was pretty sure I was going to die, I mean shouldn’t being in that kind of pain kill you? One minute you are happily (or at least pretending to be happy) and blindly skipping down the path that is your life and then all of a sudden that path has a dead end and you are forced to rethink everything. I wasn’t sure how I was going to move forward, I couldn’t wrap my head around my life without that person in it. I didn’t sleep much for a few weeks, I had forgotten how to sleep alone, I moved my bed in an attempt to give the room a fresh look. Now I was all out of whack and slept even less. It was all very dramatic and I felt a bit like a 16 year old girl with her first broken heart – I wanted to stay in bed all day and cry. I felt very alone. 

Well it turns out I didn’t die.

My kids gave me plenty of reasons to get out of bed and put on my big girl panties. They still needed rides to the barn and to school, there were dinners to make and movies to see. Life didn’t stop, in fact it was quite the opposite, my life was barreling ahead. My parents were there for me as they always are, like a warm security blanket. They are still the first place I turn when I get hurt and they are always waiting with open arms. My brother and sister would check on me via text messages and phone calls, offering kind words and reminding me that I am loved and never judging me. 

And then there were my friends........ 

I have the MOST incredible group of friends in my life, some I talk to on a daily basis and some only every once in awhile but all of them have become a part of who I am. Some have been part of my life for 20+ years and others more recent but just as important. I have friends I could call to help me hide a body if I needed to, no questions asked. They would simply say “I am on my way”. All of them inspire me to be a better person. 

There are still times when being single sucks. “What’s for dinner?” has become a question I dread – I would love for someone else to be responsible for answering that one. When we run out of cat food or toilet paper I am the one who has to get off the couch to go to the store. When the cat pukes on the floor – I have to clean it up.

 

I am at peace with being single for now. I cherish my alone time when the kids are out of the house and it’s just me and the cats (some might call them the “crazy cat lady” starter kit). There is always someone to talk to, or see a movie with, walk with and even a few friends who will drop everything to come right over for a hug and if I’m feeling extra needy there are a really special few who will pack up their two little dogs and come spend the night.

I may be single but I am anything but alone. To each and every one of you who have touched my life and made it better – thank you.

"Helpful" Advice

This is a blog I wrote a few years back for our Vancouver Island Doulas Blog.  I have a few new clients now and some friends with new babes and I figured I would share it again.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Pregnancy, Childbirth, Motherhood and Well Meaning Unsolicited Advice

Pregnancy, Childbirth, Motherhood and Well Meaning Unsolicited Advice


I don’t know what it is about a pregnant woman or a new mother that makes them a target for unsolicited advice from anyone and everyone – from close friends and family to complete strangers, people with children and people without. Some advice is handy information and some just makes you shake your head. As a parent of 2 kids, a 12 year old girl and an 8 year old boy I have learned to do a lot of nodding and smiling over the years. “Oh right...yes of course...what a great idea, I never thought of that...” all the while thinking to myself – you have got to be kidding!!! There is no topic off limits – circumcision, breastfeeding, midwife vs. doctor, homebirth vs. hospital birth. No matter what your choices or plans are, someone will be ready to tell you that your choices are wrong, your plans are crazy and that they know what is best for you.

 

The key part of all of that is YOU – YOUR CHOICES – YOUR PLANS.

 

At the end of the day it’s your body, your baby, your birth experience, your choices and YOUR LIFE. So do what is going to work best for you, and tune everyone else who disagrees with out. You have to do what works for you. Bottle fed babies turn out just fine, my daughter is 12, she is incredibly bright, beautiful , healthy and holds no hard feelings towards me for not being able to breastfeed her – never once has she turned to me and said “Mom you really let me down, I will never forgive for all the formula you made me gag back when I was a baby” and my son has never once thanked me for enduring the engorged breasts and the cracked nipples in order to successfully nurse him for 10 months. Your baby isn’t going to hold it against you if you needed to have an epidural to get you through your delivery. These choices are yours and yours alone to make. So listen to who you want and what you want, take in what you think might work for you and ignore what you know won’t.

 

You will make mistakes, you will make the wrong choice from time to time AND you will do things perfectly and flawlessly from time to time. Just my thoughts – you don’t have to agree with – that is your choice

Lots of love to all of you, Seanna

They Say It Takes a Village......

Some might say my family is complicated.

I have 2 kids I gave birth to while I was married, and when they were younger my husband and I separated.  5 years ago I met a man and fell head over heels in love, so did my kids.  He brought 2 amazing kids to the mix and we became a family of 6. (Hey I made a little rhyme there!) I fell in love them, totally, completely and unconditionally, just as I love my own children.  Fast forward to this spring, my relationship ended for a variety of reasons, the bottom line being we wanted very different things and we parted ways.  Initially my concern was, what would happen to my relationship with these children I had fallen in love with? What would happen to my children who loved him and who see his kids as their brother and sister?  I am a worrier, I worry about things that are beyond my control and this was WAY beyond my control.  Could I still be in their lives without being in his, could I handle him being a part of my kid’s lives without being a part of mine?  There were many sleepless nights and the grief I felt was overwhelming.

My ex-husband is dating a lovely woman who also has a daughter, and my kids love them both.  This woman treats my kids with kindness, love and respect at all times and they adore her, she has gone above and beyond, taking them to the lake on weekends their dad is out of town and has included them in her family gatherings.  When Ashley needed some help with some “delicate” shopping, she was right there to take her and even spent money from her own pocket to make sure my daughter had what she needed.  I cannot even begin to tell you what a comfort it is to know that even when they are away from me they still have a soft place to fall if they need it.

In June, my lovely step-daughter (I struggle to come up for a better term) graduated from high school and I was not only included in the festivities but was lucky enough to be a part of her getting ready for prom, hair and make-up, the dress, and then given one of the few tickets given to the family for the ceremony at UVIC.  I went with her dad and her brother and proudly sat alongside her mom, step dad, aunts and grandparents.  After the ceremony and pictures, we all headed back to their home for a party. 

Now here it gets even more complicated – Emily’s lives with her brother, her mom, her step dad and his daughter (also a Belmont grad), and as the two girls were opening their grad gifts I looked around the room at the guests – the graduates, Emily and Rustin; Emily’s mom, and brother; Rustin’s dad; Rustin’s mom and her partner; grandparents, aunts, cousins and close family friends; myself and my children. All in one room together because we all love these girls and wanted to share in their success. There was no tension, no drama or hard feelings.  The room was full of love and joy.  Not for one second did I feel like an outsider, in fact quite the opposite, I felt like part of the family, and my kids felt like part of the family.  At the end of the night as we said our goodbyes it was very clear to me why Erik and Emily are as amazing as they are, they have been raised by amazing people.

My parents and brother and sister have always welcomed Erik and Emily into our family and have treated them as their own.  They have grown to love them just as much as I do – it’s impossible not to.

So instead of hostility, resentment, anger and jealousy we have surrounded all of these kids in love and support.  Turns out I did a whole lot of worrying for nothing.

I still grieve the loss of my relationship and probably will for awhile but I will never regret it – it brought me Emily and Erik, and I will forever be grateful.

Coming out of hiding

Coming out of hiding 

So I have been in a terrible funk lately and when I say lately I mean for the last several months, maybe even years.  I have been blaming a series of unfortunate events, the end of my relationship (twice), struggles my son has had at school, challenges at work for me, the loss of 3 family members, the loss of my dog, 2 car accidents that have resulted in some injuries and a fair amount of pain, I have gained weight and have fallen completely out of shape, financial struggles and so on and so on.  Most are things beyond my control, some are things that are completely a result of my own bad decisions.  I have become increasingly unhappy and spend more and more time feeling sorry for myself.   More and more I find myself hiding out at home, only going out to work or to get the kids to the places they need to be, fulfilling my obligations but not really living.  My friends are starting to notice and ask what’s going on, and I find myself running out of excuses as to why I can’t do this or that.  Home is no longer my sanctuary but instead has become a place that just feels like work, there is laundry, cleaning, cooking, the yard or someone that always needs me to do something. I very recently stood up my own brother on his birthday because I could not bear to show up at a BBQ he was hosting, in my head it would be a party of his close friends and family and I would be the pathetic older sister, single (again) with 2 kids, overweight and alone, renting her home and all in all a failure.  Not at all what anyone would say or even think but all I could hear in my head.

Very recently in a conversation with someone I greatly admire, I used the term “when he left me”, she stopped me and very kindly said, “The relationship ended, saying he left you implies that you are the victim and you are NOT a victim”.

It was a light bulb moment.  It has been playing in my head over and over.  I have been behaving like a victim.  All these things that have happened to me over the past year or so aren’t out of the ordinary, they are just LIFE.  I am not special or unique in my challenges – everyone has challenges – it’s a part of life and it does not define who we are. 

How we deal with these challenges defines who we are.

Somehow I have become someone I barely recognize and I have spent the last couple of weeks trying to figure out what happened and how I got here. But really, how I got here doesn’t matter, I can’t the past. I can, however move forward from here. When I was asked when was the last time I was truly happy with who I am as a person, it took me back to about 5-6 years ago and interestingly enough, there seem to be tons of pictures of me from back then (there are next to none of me now).  I looked back the pictures and it reminded me that I really liked that person, I was happy with who I was.   I know you can’t go back but I do want to move forward and hope to again find that confidence within myself.  I have put pictures up as a reminder of what it felt like.

My sister has been having her own heartbreakingly rough road and yet still manages to check in with me and make me laugh, there is a family in my community grieving the loss of a son and another family who has a child fighting for her life and I realize how truly fortunate I am, I have my 2 beautiful, healthy children, and I have 2 more amazing children that found their way into my life and my heart. I have the most incredible group of friends, who support and inspire me on a daily basis, some have been there for me for years and are my rocks and others are new friends who feel like old friends and I am so thankful for each and every one of them. I have a family that is always in my corner to catch me when I fall and help me back up again.

Enough hiding, enough feeling sorry for myself, it’s time to pick myself up, dust myself off and get on with it.