Coming out of hiding

Coming out of hiding 

So I have been in a terrible funk lately and when I say lately I mean for the last several months, maybe even years.  I have been blaming a series of unfortunate events, the end of my relationship (twice), struggles my son has had at school, challenges at work for me, the loss of 3 family members, the loss of my dog, 2 car accidents that have resulted in some injuries and a fair amount of pain, I have gained weight and have fallen completely out of shape, financial struggles and so on and so on.  Most are things beyond my control, some are things that are completely a result of my own bad decisions.  I have become increasingly unhappy and spend more and more time feeling sorry for myself.   More and more I find myself hiding out at home, only going out to work or to get the kids to the places they need to be, fulfilling my obligations but not really living.  My friends are starting to notice and ask what’s going on, and I find myself running out of excuses as to why I can’t do this or that.  Home is no longer my sanctuary but instead has become a place that just feels like work, there is laundry, cleaning, cooking, the yard or someone that always needs me to do something. I very recently stood up my own brother on his birthday because I could not bear to show up at a BBQ he was hosting, in my head it would be a party of his close friends and family and I would be the pathetic older sister, single (again) with 2 kids, overweight and alone, renting her home and all in all a failure.  Not at all what anyone would say or even think but all I could hear in my head.

Very recently in a conversation with someone I greatly admire, I used the term “when he left me”, she stopped me and very kindly said, “The relationship ended, saying he left you implies that you are the victim and you are NOT a victim”.

It was a light bulb moment.  It has been playing in my head over and over.  I have been behaving like a victim.  All these things that have happened to me over the past year or so aren’t out of the ordinary, they are just LIFE.  I am not special or unique in my challenges – everyone has challenges – it’s a part of life and it does not define who we are. 

How we deal with these challenges defines who we are.

Somehow I have become someone I barely recognize and I have spent the last couple of weeks trying to figure out what happened and how I got here. But really, how I got here doesn’t matter, I can’t the past. I can, however move forward from here. When I was asked when was the last time I was truly happy with who I am as a person, it took me back to about 5-6 years ago and interestingly enough, there seem to be tons of pictures of me from back then (there are next to none of me now).  I looked back the pictures and it reminded me that I really liked that person, I was happy with who I was.   I know you can’t go back but I do want to move forward and hope to again find that confidence within myself.  I have put pictures up as a reminder of what it felt like.

My sister has been having her own heartbreakingly rough road and yet still manages to check in with me and make me laugh, there is a family in my community grieving the loss of a son and another family who has a child fighting for her life and I realize how truly fortunate I am, I have my 2 beautiful, healthy children, and I have 2 more amazing children that found their way into my life and my heart. I have the most incredible group of friends, who support and inspire me on a daily basis, some have been there for me for years and are my rocks and others are new friends who feel like old friends and I am so thankful for each and every one of them. I have a family that is always in my corner to catch me when I fall and help me back up again.

Enough hiding, enough feeling sorry for myself, it’s time to pick myself up, dust myself off and get on with it.