Scary Things

My insecurities have been getting the best of me lately.  They are like little voices in my head and it has been something I have struggled with for as long as I can remember, I am not alone in that, I know that most people are insecure in one form or another and everyone copes with it differently.  My weight is an ongoing issue for me and over the last couple of months it has gone from something I quietly ignored to this flashing neon thing that is on my mind all the time. I can feel it constantly, the way my body feels, I am uncomfortable, I can’t look in a mirror, I don’t want to shop because I hate everything on me.

I have been here before, and I have lost weight before and kept it off for a long time.  I always start out strong but after a little while I always give up.  I am starting to feel like it might be because I am afraid of what happens after I lose the weight and I can’t blame my unhappiness on being fat.  In my head I told myself that my relationship failed because of the weight, it was easier than being honest and saying the relationship failed simply because it failed. What if I am not single because I am overweight?  What if people don’t want to be with me because of me??  If I lose the weight, what will I blame for my failures? What will I hide behind? 

I know, of course, that all of these thoughts are ridiculous and totally unhealthy and unproductive but they are thoughts that rattle through my brain every so often, lately they pop up more than I care to admit.  Clearly it’s time for me to get back on the wagon which is a daunting task because once again I have let it get out of hand and have a long road ahead of me.  I convince myself that everyone is judging me when the truth is, the only person judging me, is me. 

I have been keeping people at arms length, not really letting anyone get close.  Letting someone in scares the bejesus out of me right now.  I think that by not putting myself out there at all,  it gives me control over things, and avoids rejection maybe.  If I don’t let anyone get close to me than I don’t have to worry about anyone rejecting me, right?  Makes perfect sense……. I have a million reasons for not dating or even attempting to date; my kids, my lack of free time, I work full time, I have a business on the side, the kids have activities that keep me busy in the evenings, I have exchange students to care for, I have to get in shape first, I need to get my finances in order, and so on and so on. But maybe the truth is, I am not dating or even attempting to date because I am in no way prepared to let anyone within 100m of my heart right now.  I don’t trust it and I don’t trust myself. The bottom line is, I am just not ready. Yet.

I am not sharing this because I want my ego stroked, or I am fishing for compliments and reassurances that I am a great person (blah blah blah).  I am surrounded in amazing people, people who wouldn’t share their lives with me unless they truly felt I was deserving.  I am sharing this because if I am having these struggles and thoughts, then surely someone else is and maybe, just maybe I can give someone else a voice and say the things out loud that they are afraid to say.  And maybe if we start saying the things that scare us, they might stop being so scary.

Online Dating and Old Balloons

*Disclaimer – before you go judging me on the content of this post, I have blocked it from my children*

I recently had this conversation with a gentleman (I use the term loosely I this case) who contacted me through an online dating site. It started out the way most conversation do, small talk, “hi, how are you” kind of stuff. He asked me what I was looking for, I told him that I wasn’t really sure, no real agenda in mind or a need to find “the one”, just checking things out, hoping to meet some new people, date and possibly get to know someone and see where things go….yadda yadda yadda. He said that was a great answer and that he was very much on the same page, if things became serious - bonus and that he was open to the possibilities. All sounds very promising hey? WRONG. The next words he said to me were these:

“So, what’s your bod like? Do you have nice boobs?”

Um….excuse me?

I stop and go back to his profile to confirm his age and he is in fact 38, not 17. Interesting.
At first I think I should just tell him to F*** off, and then block him from contacting me. But then I think, nope I am going to say what I really want to say:

“Do I have a nice bod and do I have nice boobs? - Well to be totally honest, I am curvy aka a little chubby and well, as for my boobs, they look an awful lot like balloons that got lost behind the couch for 3 months and are all deflated and wrinkly.”

His reply:

“Oh………….ok”

I don't think that was the answer he was hoping for...

And then me:

“I suspect we are looking for very different things here, good luck in your search. F*** off.”

Perhaps I was a tad harsh and bitchy and probably should have given him more credit for not wasting my time pretending he was interested in me as a person. Physical attraction is very important when you are dating someone and if a “nice bod” and a great rack are what’s most important to you then you should find out what you are dealing with right away. For me, findong someone who ranks very low on the douchebag scale is important and thankfully no time at all was wasted on this guy.

I have done the online dating thing a few times and can honestly say that it really hasn’t worked out for me yet I continually go back to it as I don’t really know how to meet people. My circle of friends is pretty tight and having grown up in Victoria, the dating pool is very small. Online dating has given me plenty of blogging material and several entertaining stories. My friends say I should write a book. There are several messages from men in their 20’s, some flat out saying they are looking for a “cougar”….seems to be a trendy thing these days, clearly one of them hooked up with a women in her late 30’s, early 40’s and reported back to his buddies that they were missing out. There are also a shocking number of men in “complicated” relationships. That’s code for douchebags with girlfriends or wives looking for someone to meet in a dark parking lot or at lunch while the wife is at work. Your relationship isn’t complicated, you’re an asshole. This isn’t information that is easily offered up either; it’s actually one of the key questions you have to ask:

1. Are you single?
2. Do you live with your ex-wife or ex-girlfriend?
3. Do you live with your mother?
4. Are you employed?
5. Do you have a valid driver’s licence or have you lost it for impaired driving?
6. Do you have a criminal record?
7. Is personal hygiene important to you?

I recently asked my Facebook friends and family how they met their significant others. The response was fantastic!!! Turns out only one person met their husband on a dating site. Most were high school sweethearts or had known each other since they were kids which I found to be really cool. Some met through friends, and others randomly, like on a street car. All of these people are in relationships I admire and aspire to find.

Online dating is not for me, I don’t have the thick skin required for it and I don’t think what I have to offer can be fairly portrayed on a website profile. I think I will leave it to chance for now. I will start going out more, trying to new things outside of my comfort zone and work on expanding my circle of friends. I do know I have to leave the house more on my kid free weekend because I am almost certain that someone new isn’t coming by the couch anytime soon.

Thanks for taking the time to read my rant – lots of love to you all.

Seanna

Goodbye 2013 - Hello 2014

2014 came in very quietly for me as most of my New Year eve’s usually do. I have never really been one to go all out for New Year’s and often am in bed before midnight. This year was no different, I was at a movie with a friend at midnight. I have spent some time in the last week reflecting on 2013 and looking ahead to what 2014 might bring.

Initially my thoughts about 2013 were “Thank god that year is over!!!”. My happily ever after ended in April (or what I thought happily ever after meant); my heart was broken again in May when we had to put our sweet dog, Charlie down; I was painfully, slowly recovering from my car accidents and it seemed as though I was never going to know what a pain free day felt like again. At first glance back all I saw was the dark stuff, the negative events seemed to take the spot light.

But then I stumbled across a silly Facebook app that does a snap shot of your 2013 Facebook posts and pictures. Turns out my year wasn’t all that bad after all. In February, I was invited to attend the birth of my brother’s first baby and on February 21st, Henry Owen McDonald came flying into the world. I have attending 24 incredible births and this one was the most amazing event I have ever witnessed. My amazing brother became a father in an instant and the love in that room was overwhelming. Noah moved from elementary school to middle school, Ashley moved from middle school to high school and Emily graduated high school and started college at Camosun. We got to spend some time over the summer in Coombs helping a dear friend make her dreams come true and open the Hamilton Hobby Farm. I was starting to feel better and stronger every day, and by the end of the summer I was riding again here and there. Over the fall I managed to lose 30lbs and then one day woke up and realized I wasn’t in pain anymore. We’ve taken a quirky little rescue dog into our lives and we had a wonderful Christmas spent with family and friends. Perhaps the biggest lesson I learned this year is that happily ever after doesn’t reside with someone else for me, I am in charge of my happily ever after. My broken heart evolved into the acceptance that although we didn’t work as a couple, we do work as best friends and we will always be family. All in all I would say it was a pretty fantastic year!!

It’s interesting to me that we tend to focus on the negative in our lives and we allow it to overshadow all the positive that is around us. It’s a vicious cycle I find myself caught up in often. Life is full of challenges and struggles, some struggles are much harder than others but I think the bad helps you appreciate the good if you can stop and take a minute to see it.

I have no idea what 2014 holds - I will be 40 this year; I have 4 births lined up already; a brand new show season lies ahead for Ashley; Noah has found his passion in music; Erik and Emily continue to grow into the most incredible young adults; I am continuing to work at getting myself healthy and fit and look forward to seeing someone I can be proud of in the mirror.

Happy New Year to you all, and I wish you nothing but love and happiness in the coming year.

Seanna