Scary Things

My insecurities have been getting the best of me lately.  They are like little voices in my head and it has been something I have struggled with for as long as I can remember, I am not alone in that, I know that most people are insecure in one form or another and everyone copes with it differently.  My weight is an ongoing issue for me and over the last couple of months it has gone from something I quietly ignored to this flashing neon thing that is on my mind all the time. I can feel it constantly, the way my body feels, I am uncomfortable, I can’t look in a mirror, I don’t want to shop because I hate everything on me.

I have been here before, and I have lost weight before and kept it off for a long time.  I always start out strong but after a little while I always give up.  I am starting to feel like it might be because I am afraid of what happens after I lose the weight and I can’t blame my unhappiness on being fat.  In my head I told myself that my relationship failed because of the weight, it was easier than being honest and saying the relationship failed simply because it failed. What if I am not single because I am overweight?  What if people don’t want to be with me because of me??  If I lose the weight, what will I blame for my failures? What will I hide behind? 

I know, of course, that all of these thoughts are ridiculous and totally unhealthy and unproductive but they are thoughts that rattle through my brain every so often, lately they pop up more than I care to admit.  Clearly it’s time for me to get back on the wagon which is a daunting task because once again I have let it get out of hand and have a long road ahead of me.  I convince myself that everyone is judging me when the truth is, the only person judging me, is me. 

I have been keeping people at arms length, not really letting anyone get close.  Letting someone in scares the bejesus out of me right now.  I think that by not putting myself out there at all,  it gives me control over things, and avoids rejection maybe.  If I don’t let anyone get close to me than I don’t have to worry about anyone rejecting me, right?  Makes perfect sense……. I have a million reasons for not dating or even attempting to date; my kids, my lack of free time, I work full time, I have a business on the side, the kids have activities that keep me busy in the evenings, I have exchange students to care for, I have to get in shape first, I need to get my finances in order, and so on and so on. But maybe the truth is, I am not dating or even attempting to date because I am in no way prepared to let anyone within 100m of my heart right now.  I don’t trust it and I don’t trust myself. The bottom line is, I am just not ready. Yet.

I am not sharing this because I want my ego stroked, or I am fishing for compliments and reassurances that I am a great person (blah blah blah).  I am surrounded in amazing people, people who wouldn’t share their lives with me unless they truly felt I was deserving.  I am sharing this because if I am having these struggles and thoughts, then surely someone else is and maybe, just maybe I can give someone else a voice and say the things out loud that they are afraid to say.  And maybe if we start saying the things that scare us, they might stop being so scary.