Just Keep Swiping

Summer is coming, the weather has been amazing, summer plans, music festivals and weekend bbq’s are starting to fill up the calendar and it got me thinking that it might be nice to have a significant other to enjoy all of these things with. Well-meaning friends ask if I am seeing anyone or if I have considered online dating and I actually consider it often but my past experiences with it usually keep me from actually signing up.

I have spent the last 12 months actively not pursuing any romantic relationships (or even casual relationships). I wanted to get to a place where I was comfortable with my own company and not feeling like I needed to be in a relationship to be a whole person. It’s been a pretty good year and thanks to some pretty amazing friends, I don’t get lonely very often. Each person in my life brings something unique and I guess I kind of pull everything I need from each of these people. Of course there are a couple of really exceptional friendships that truly allow me to be myself and give me that soft place to land when I am feeling fragile and alone.

Last week I started feeling pretty good about things and myself and thought maybe dating for the summer would be fun, meet some new people, expand my network of friends and even get some new experiences. I decided to sign up for some online dating and just give it a go and although very skeptical (and I mean VERY skeptical), I figured how bad could it be? I will give it 30 days and if nothing else, I will have some material for a blog.

Well here we are 1 week later and I am tapping out. No chance I can do 30 days and never ask yourself “how bad can it be?”. Cause folks…. It’s bad.  Now full disclosure, I had only signed up for free sites, Tinder and Plenty of Fish (POF for those of you who are really cool). Perhaps the statement “You get what you pay for” is true.

I got to swiping left and right and I tried to be pretty open minded to the swiping right (left is a hard no, right is a yes I want to know more). It’s a bit like catalog shopping for men, which is super weird but whatever, it is the process and I am going with it. After some swiping right, some matches start to appear. Now do I wait for them to message me, do I reach out and say hello, what is the protocol for this? So I reach out to some, and others message me.

Bachelor #1

The first guy that messages me is 40 something, not unattractive but not Chris Hemsworth either. It starts out pleasant, small talk back and forth for a little bit, then I let him know I am running out and will chat more later and move on with my day. Then I get this delightful exchange:

Immediate red flags.

• Invade his castle? Really? We have just started talking and you want me to come to your house? Um no. Does he not watch scary movies? 
• Wow. Ok then. – Love getting texts like that, huge turn on. Can only imagine how much fun this guy will be 3 months into a relationship. 
• Crying emojis… no words needed for this one. 
• Do I have other dates? Hmmm we have been in communications  for about 30 seconds, not sure you get to ask that just yet. We are going to file that under “None of your business”

Sorry bud, I don’t think this is going to work out. Unmatch and moving on.

Bachelor #2

Kinda cute, fun job, easy messaging back and forth, he has a sense of humor. This looks promising!! He asks for my phone number for we can text outside of the app and I agree. We exchange a couple of small talk texts and then say goodnight. I put the phone down smiling, hopeful there is a coffee date in my future. Such a silly girl….

5:18 am, I am woken up to a good morning text from him, and reply, “wow, you get up early”. His reply is “ do you sleep naked?” Um…..I don’t acknowledge it, at all. I completely pretend to not have even read it hoping he gets the hint. No such luck. He proceeds to ask a few other super inappropriate comments and questions and I pull the plug on this one too.

Maybe it’s just Tinder ( the hook up app). So I keep the Tinder profile up and I move onto POF, set up a profile and start fishing. 

Folks, it is a really shallow pond. Really more of a muddy puddle. I have a few observations about guys profiles:

• Pictures of guys holding fish. What is this about? Is it because the site is called Plenty of Fish and someone took that literally? It is a lot of guys and a lot of fish. Like every other guy. Also a lot of pics of guys and their cats. I am really more of a dog person, that might just be a personal preference. 
• Shirtless bathroom pictures. If you must do this to advertise your great biceps and abs then perhaps make sure your bathroom is somewhat clean and doesn’t look like a bio-hazard. 
• Naked pictures of yourself, where you use your hip sack or dog to cover your junk are never a good idea. EVER.

I start to get messages almost immediately, woohoo!! My ego is feeling well stroked at this point and I dive into the messages. Silly girl.

First off, we have the guy who starts with “what can I call this beautiful queen?” Well bud, you can start by never referring to me as a queen again. 

Then we have the guy with no picture, somewhat mysterious, sure I will bite. We chat, conversation is good, he is funny, he is articulate. There is fun banter and he gets sarcasm. I am already planning the wedding. I ask why the no picture? Is he horribly disfigured like Deadpool? I am totally into Deadpool, so I assure him that it is ok if that is the case. But alas, he is not disfigured, he is in hiding because he is married. Is that a problem for me?

It is a problem for me that you are married? Well yes, it is but I suspect it will be an even bigger problem for your wife.

Now, back to Tinder, I have a new match!! Super cute guy, a little young, early 30’s but what the hell right, you only live once! His pictures are him having fun with friends, a pic of his super cute black lab (no cats!), a gym picture of him working out in Converse (should have been a red flag, clearly not appropriate gym footwear) and then there is a picture of him with his coffee and a side of perfect abs. JACKPOT.

Conversation starts out, I make fun of the poor gym shoe choices and compliment the dog. He laughs, it is going great, he thinks I am funny. Then he says “if you keep being cheeky you are going to get spanked” hmmmm and here we go again.

Warning: this is where it gets really dark and the fun stops. His next question is a stunner.

“Do you like to be pinned down and forced to F***?”

Now I am pretty open minded and I am not a prude so I will give this piece of shit the benefit of the doubt for a minute. I ask a clarifying question.

“Are you asking if I am into rough sex?” To each their own right? Maybe a little soon in the relationship for these kinds of questions but maybe he just has really poor manners. I also point out the poor manners.

He says “No, I mean like you are having a drink with a friend and he pushes you down and forces you to have sex and then after you realize might have liked it”

WHAT THE ACTUAL F***?!?! “Nope, I am not into that as that is rape and I tend to prefer consensual sex”. Now before I can even hit the button to report this delightful interaction he unmatches us and the messages disappear. I do have screenshots of his profile pictures and I do report it to Tinder as a safety concern. Perhaps I am overreacting and he is all talk but all I can think is that because this guy looks like the adorable guy next door some naïve woman is going to wind up on a date with this bottom feeding piece of shit and find herself in the middle of a rape scenario she did not sign up for.

I don’t have 30 days of this in me, a week was enough. This is not the platform for me. I deleted my profile from both sites last night.

Back to hoping to meet someone the old fashioned way, through a friend, at the grocery store or wherever it is that people randomly meet other people. Or maybe I won’t meet anyone and I will just end up with a bunch of dogs and some really awesome friends.

Stay safe, be kind.

xo

I'm sorry, did you say menopause?

It's been a long time since I have done one of these so apologies if I ramble on. If it bores you, don't read it.

So it's no secret that my weight has been an issue for me for the last 20(ish) years. It goes up and down, I lose a lot, then gain a little, lose a little then gain a lot. The last year has been all about the gains. I thought I hit rock bottom 2 years ago but never one to back away from a challenge, I gained even more.  All the while, loathing myself more and more daily.

Over the past couple of years I have been feeling off; headaches, insomnia, hot flashes, moody (more than usual), disinterested in most things and all in all just feeling shittier and shittier all the time. At first I would joke that it was the early stages of menopause but truly only joking because I was 40 and there was no way I could be in any stage of menopause.  In the back of the mind the hot flashes were because I was fat and the insomnia was because I was stressed.

This past summer was unbearable. The hot flashes were coming every 15 minutes and sleep was a thing of the past. My insomnia was out of hand. My interest in going out and doing things was non-existent.  I turned to good,  old, reliable Dr. Google and Dr. Google suggested I may be peri-menopausal. I decided to follow up with a real doctor and off I went to get checked out.

My doctor seemed skeptical at the idea of menopause but agreed we should look into some things and a full check up was probably a good idea. He ordered some blood work and off I went to the lab.  I followed up with him a week later and low and behold, my blood work indicated that I wasn't just peri-menopausal, but in fact I was in full blown menopause.

I'm sorry, what?? Menopause? I was 42 years old.

He looked genuinely puzzled and said we should do an ultrasound, get a look at my ovaries and see why they aren't working. The good news is, I wasn't crazy. My symptoms were real and had a cause. The bad news - I was 42 and in menopause. It may seem silly but that really upset me. It was like overnight I aged 30 years. Old ladies are in menopause, so I must be an old lady.

I went for the ultrasound and they took all kinds of images, of what I don't really know because they never really say anything, just flip you around for half an hour then send you on your way, mind grinding into high gear imagining all kinds of fatal illnesses and growths.

The next day I get a call from the doctor and they want me to come back to discuss the results, but it's not super urgent, it can wait until after the weekend.  Hmmmmm. So I am probably not dying but there is something. Perfect, that call definitely helps with the insomnia.

Finally appointment rolls around and I go into the office to see my doctor, he says well, they couldn't find your ovaries, so that helps explain why they aren't working.

What do you mean you couldn't find them? Like they went out for lunch? They are hiding behind a kidney? He says nope, likely they stopped working after the hysterectomy, shriveled up and just went away. Ah, great news that helps me feel younger for sure.

But that isn't the end of the great news visit nor is it the reason he called me back. Turns out that purely by accident while they were taking picture of all my inner parts they discovered I have fatty deposits on my liver. AWESOME.  Fatty Liver Disease is what he called it.

Menopause and Fatty Liver Disease (FLD). That's hot.  Form the line to the left boys, don't fight over me.

Non alcoholic FLD is totally self inflicted. Turns out eating shitty and not really exercising over 40 has consequences beyond not fitting into your skinny jeans.

FUCK. Now shit is getting real. Good news is this is totally treatable through diet and exercise. The bad news is you need to give up sugar, simple carbs and wine and your metabolism is pretty much at a stand still because of the FLD and the menopause.  (This guy should consider a career as a motivational speaker.)

He actually said "You can have the occasional glass of wine but no more whole bottle in a sitting". It felt a little judgy to be honest. I don't always drink the whole bottle.

Sugar........hmmmm give up sugar. Did you know that sugar is in EVERYTHING? Read some labels, it is in absolutely everything.

Now a normal person would immediately spring into action to fix this. Especially after the person went back to Dr.Google to research what can happen if FLD goes on unchecked.

Nope. This person just started to wallow.......cause wallowing is super helpful and very productive. I also ate everything. All of it. Turns out I am an emotional eater. Shocking. I wallowed my way through the fall and then into the holiday season and finally made the decision that enough was enough and I had to get my shit together. Again.

Dec 31st was the cut off. It was the last day for booze, refined sugar, processed food, fried food and simple carbs.

Today I am 45 days sugar, crap food and wine free. I have learned a lot in the last 45 days. I am 15 lbs lighter, I am sleeping again, my hot flashes have decreased to the point that I barely notice them. Physically I feel better all around, no more stomach issues or bloated feeling. My cravings for all things "bad" are almost gone as well.  My original commitment was 30 days no sugar and no booze, but now I have increased that to 60 days no booze, no caffeine, no sugar, and a minimum 3 days of exercise a week.  Each month there will be a new goal and hopefully a new victory. I am enjoying meal planning and experimenting with recipes. I do not claim to be 100% free of sugar as I am sure it sneaks in to some sauces etc when I am out but I am committed to actively trying to avoid it and this includes artificial sweeteners. I do allow myself a tiny bit of maple syrup or honey here and there but that is max once or twice a week.

This is going to be a long, slow process. This is not another attempt at dieting, this is do or die. Literally. Change my life or eventually get very sick. I have goal that I think will take me a year to reach and I am OK with that. I am less concerned about the weight and more concerned with getting a clean scan of my liver in 6 months.

Well ok, skinny jeans would be pretty great too!

xoxo
Seanna