It's been a long time since I have done one of these so apologies if I ramble on. If it bores you, don't read it.
So it's no secret that my weight has been an issue for me for the last 20(ish) years. It goes up and down, I lose a lot, then gain a little, lose a little then gain a lot. The last year has been all about the gains. I thought I hit rock bottom 2 years ago but never one to back away from a challenge, I gained even more. All the while, loathing myself more and more daily.
Over the past couple of years I have been feeling off; headaches, insomnia, hot flashes, moody (more than usual), disinterested in most things and all in all just feeling shittier and shittier all the time. At first I would joke that it was the early stages of menopause but truly only joking because I was 40 and there was no way I could be in any stage of menopause. In the back of the mind the hot flashes were because I was fat and the insomnia was because I was stressed.
This past summer was unbearable. The hot flashes were coming every 15 minutes and sleep was a thing of the past. My insomnia was out of hand. My interest in going out and doing things was non-existent. I turned to good, old, reliable Dr. Google and Dr. Google suggested I may be peri-menopausal. I decided to follow up with a real doctor and off I went to get checked out.
My doctor seemed skeptical at the idea of menopause but agreed we should look into some things and a full check up was probably a good idea. He ordered some blood work and off I went to the lab. I followed up with him a week later and low and behold, my blood work indicated that I wasn't just peri-menopausal, but in fact I was in full blown menopause.
I'm sorry, what?? Menopause? I was 42 years old.
He looked genuinely puzzled and said we should do an ultrasound, get a look at my ovaries and see why they aren't working. The good news is, I wasn't crazy. My symptoms were real and had a cause. The bad news - I was 42 and in menopause. It may seem silly but that really upset me. It was like overnight I aged 30 years. Old ladies are in menopause, so I must be an old lady.
I went for the ultrasound and they took all kinds of images, of what I don't really know because they never really say anything, just flip you around for half an hour then send you on your way, mind grinding into high gear imagining all kinds of fatal illnesses and growths.
The next day I get a call from the doctor and they want me to come back to discuss the results, but it's not super urgent, it can wait until after the weekend. Hmmmmm. So I am probably not dying but there is something. Perfect, that call definitely helps with the insomnia.
Finally appointment rolls around and I go into the office to see my doctor, he says well, they couldn't find your ovaries, so that helps explain why they aren't working.
What do you mean you couldn't find them? Like they went out for lunch? They are hiding behind a kidney? He says nope, likely they stopped working after the hysterectomy, shriveled up and just went away. Ah, great news that helps me feel younger for sure.
But that isn't the end of the great news visit nor is it the reason he called me back. Turns out that purely by accident while they were taking picture of all my inner parts they discovered I have fatty deposits on my liver. AWESOME. Fatty Liver Disease is what he called it.
Menopause and Fatty Liver Disease (FLD). That's hot. Form the line to the left boys, don't fight over me.
Non alcoholic FLD is totally self inflicted. Turns out eating shitty and not really exercising over 40 has consequences beyond not fitting into your skinny jeans.
FUCK. Now shit is getting real. Good news is this is totally treatable through diet and exercise. The bad news is you need to give up sugar, simple carbs and wine and your metabolism is pretty much at a stand still because of the FLD and the menopause. (This guy should consider a career as a motivational speaker.)
He actually said "You can have the occasional glass of wine but no more whole bottle in a sitting". It felt a little judgy to be honest. I don't always drink the whole bottle.
Sugar........hmmmm give up sugar. Did you know that sugar is in EVERYTHING? Read some labels, it is in absolutely everything.
Now a normal person would immediately spring into action to fix this. Especially after the person went back to Dr.Google to research what can happen if FLD goes on unchecked.
Nope. This person just started to wallow.......cause wallowing is super helpful and very productive. I also ate everything. All of it. Turns out I am an emotional eater. Shocking. I wallowed my way through the fall and then into the holiday season and finally made the decision that enough was enough and I had to get my shit together. Again.
Dec 31st was the cut off. It was the last day for booze, refined sugar, processed food, fried food and simple carbs.
Today I am 45 days sugar, crap food and wine free. I have learned a lot in the last 45 days. I am 15 lbs lighter, I am sleeping again, my hot flashes have decreased to the point that I barely notice them. Physically I feel better all around, no more stomach issues or bloated feeling. My cravings for all things "bad" are almost gone as well. My original commitment was 30 days no sugar and no booze, but now I have increased that to 60 days no booze, no caffeine, no sugar, and a minimum 3 days of exercise a week. Each month there will be a new goal and hopefully a new victory. I am enjoying meal planning and experimenting with recipes. I do not claim to be 100% free of sugar as I am sure it sneaks in to some sauces etc when I am out but I am committed to actively trying to avoid it and this includes artificial sweeteners. I do allow myself a tiny bit of maple syrup or honey here and there but that is max once or twice a week.
This is going to be a long, slow process. This is not another attempt at dieting, this is do or die. Literally. Change my life or eventually get very sick. I have goal that I think will take me a year to reach and I am OK with that. I am less concerned about the weight and more concerned with getting a clean scan of my liver in 6 months.
Well ok, skinny jeans would be pretty great too!
xoxo
Seanna
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